Face Card Withdrawals
Hi I'm Sara, and I'm addicted to my image
I had to confront this addiction in the bathroom of an airport hotel last week. I'd spent an embarrassing amount of time perched on the toilet, meticulously screenshotting "cute beach photos" and "couple poses" to replicate with unsettling precision on my upcoming vacation. On numb legs, I scurried to my suitcase to take stock of my products and accessories for the week ahead. I opened the case to a pile of clothes; a bag-shaped hole in the center. Panic surged through me, I could feel my face getting hot. Where the hell was my makeup? I clawed through my luggage, clattering the suitcase against the glass table and wrinkling my carefully packed beachwear. I paced across the room, my quickened breaths starting to break into sobs as I retreated to the bathroom once again.
Red-faced and distraught, I imagined all of the pictures I had so carefully planned, ruined by my undone face. How was I supposed to enjoy my vacation if I didn’t have beauty to sustain me? How could I think of anything else?
These questions tormented me through the night, during the chaotic TSA experience, and even as the plane revealed the beautiful island approaching in my window. For two days in paradise, I agonized over my makeup-less face, stealing moments in the bathroom to cry between walks on the pristine beach and romantic dinners by the shore. It was embarrassing, and deep down, I knew it. I concealed my swollen eyes, determined to tough it out for the rest of the week.
By the third day, something began to change. After a morning walk, my partner and I were swimming in the ocean. “You’ve got light in your eyes again!” he exclaimed, playfully splashing me as he swam by. A faint smile tugged at my lips, and in that instant, I realized I wasn’t preoccupied with how I looked. The ocean mist settled gently on my bare skin, undisturbed by mascara streaks or smudged lipstick. I felt open and liberated, deciding right then I would try to embrace this feeling for the rest of the week.
Pictures proved to be incredibly hard, so I stopped taking them, living in the moment and dropping my phone altogether. I savored flavors without worrying about lipstick stains on glasses. I rubbed my eyes vigorously after emerging from the ocean. My tears turned joyous as I marveled at the beauty of the place I was experiencing.
Now that I'm back home, I find myself grappling with feelings of shame and anger towards my previous self for closing off my humanity in order to protect my ego. To live and feel wholeheartedly is a gift, and I only truly recognized this when I forgot my mask at home. I still apply makeup in the morning, but I must remember that it doesn’t define or complete my days. I’m learning to cherish my experiences whether I feel pretty while having them or not.
Podcasts are my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I listen to them while I shower, drive and work (seems impossible but I’m committed!!), and I love when a new one crosses my path.
In comes Meat Bus, a pop culture podcast by Kay Poyer and Alex Wielebnicki. Kay became TikTok famous (check out her hilarious page here) and began producing Meat Bus with her partner, Alex, in January of 2024. The duo is magnetic and quippy, with a fierce level of comfort that only your coolest couple friends share. They aren’t afraid to disagree and gab about the most hilarious and random topics. Each episode is like a glimpse into their daily life, and I cackle and nod along with their every word.
